Motherhood

(For those of you who know me, I love to reminisce! I think it can be fun, but also a way to improve, but also see improvement. This blog is just that.)

As the Doctor laid my first child upon my breast I felt paralyzed with doubt and fear. I looked into my Husband’s wet eyes and noted his happy tears streaming down his face; I was embarrassed at my lack of joy. Instantly, I knew I loved her and felt swelling within my heart. As I touched her pink velvet cheek against my own, I couldn’t help but wonder about whom this baby was and knew I wasn’t qualified to be her mother.


My decision to stay home with my child didn’t come without restraint. As I held that growing child in my arms I would dream of the days I could send her to school and continue my own education. I rushed through diaper changes and forgot to cherish the fresh scent of newly bathed child.


Several years later, I had my second baby girl. This time I held my child close to my heart hoping that my heart beat would remind her of the warm womb whence she came. I did not fear because I had done this once before. The complexities of life set in shortly thereafter and a deep sadness came upon me in the upcoming months. The momentous tasks such as a diaper change overcame me and soon I did not fully appreciate her perfect smile. In time, I found an outlet to my anxieties and I committed myself daily to the local gym.


During my third pregnancy, my eldest daughter un-expectantly began Kindergarten. I was shocked at how hastily time had passed and found myself unprepared for the varied emotions experienced. My full responsibility was now being delegated to teachers at school a few hours each day. The school felt large and I hardly knew her teacher, I wanted more time with her. I had felt cheated and knew that it had been my own hand who robbed.


Thoughts and prayers continue to echo the regret of time lost with my children. I still need hours of solitude and can still be compelled to anger, but realize these moments with my young children will never be returned. Although, my children will spend too many hours at school I desire to give them my full attention upon return. I shall cherish the beautiful smiles that I am bestowed with on a daily basis. Dirty diapers will turn into potty training and I hope to never forget the smell of a pampered bum. Insecurities as a mother never fully disappear, but I hope that never deters a soft goodnight kiss from the lips of my darlings. In years to come I hope that I might weep with joy for the privilege of being a mother.